Coach is looking sadSitting there in his hammockThe Tide Walker stews
What up, y’all? I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I’m into haiku now! From what I can tell, they’re kinda like sonnets, only less pretentious. Or, wait… is itmorepretentious? Honestly. I’m not sure. But they are nowtotallymy jam! Check it out!
The Eilish idolCallout at Tribal CouncilWhere art thou Zac Brown?
I could do this all day — just kinda sitting in a corner of theEntertainment Weeklyoffice amusing myself with clever bon mots constructed in a 5-7-5 syllable structure while people look over and worry about my mental health. LET THEM WORRY! Little do they know that these are the kinds of exercises one needs to put oneself through to have even the slimmest chances of becoming one of the Four Horsemen. It’s a very exclusive club! Only four slots available!
My membership hopes were raised whenColby was voted outofSurvivor 50, opening up a coveted spot. But then,without any vetting whatsoever,Coachgoes and inductsRizointo the club to fill his spot. What the hell?!? That dude already has Tres Leches, for crying out loud! He also already has the longest nickname in reality TV history. Now that young punk gets to be in the Four Horsemen as well? HE DOESN’T EVENWANTTO BE IN THE FOUR HORSEMEN! Does this mean he also inherits the Oakbound Warrior nickname? Because this dude already has too many nicknames as it is. Man, this is some serious bulls---.
This clear slight has me pissed off, which puts me in good company onSurvivor 50this week, with scores of contestants getting annoyed at each other. I wrote in thelatestSurvivor 50Mystery Boxabout how and why returning player seasons can lead to more raw emotions than a typical newbie edition, and we definitely saw that play out.
It all started withTiffanyon night 13 directly after Tribal Council. She was acting calm, cool, and collected to others, but letting it fly in her confessionals — dubbingJonathana “lying skank” and proclaiming in between random screams that “I feel like I have fire under my skin right now. I am so furious.”
And she was promising the thing we all asSurvivorviewers want to see more than anything else. More Zac Brown? NO! Revenge. “I am about to dance all over theirSurvivorgraves the minute I get the opportunity,” Tiff promised, which leads me to ask: Can someone please get this woman some dancing shoes?
It set the tone for what would turn out to be a delicious episode ofSurvivor, and that has nothing to do with the Chinese takeoutEmily Flippenwas shoving into her mouth faster than she could even chew. So with that, let’s recap everything that went down on episode 7 ofSurvivor 50before I start getting distracted by haiku again. (By the way, did you know the plural of haiku is…haiku? See, getting distracted already.)
Tensions rise
Apparently, large men being sad on hammocks is a thing onSurvivor 50and needs to be immediately added to every Bingo card. Watching Coach crying gently on a hammock while saying “That’s not how I playSurvivor” to no one in particular may be my favorite moment of 2026. It was also a hilarious punctuation mark to a weird scene in which it at first looked likeDeeand Coach were going to have at it, but then Jonathan stepped in and was all,“I want a piece of this!” and started back in onthe Charlie voteas the two traded verbal blows.
“I’m shocked at Jonathan,” Dee told us. “At the same time, I’m not shocked because I always knew he didn’t have a brain.” Damn, she just went all scarecrow on his ass. Brutal. Meanwhile, half of the tribe is just sitting there taking it all in. I have never been more jealous ofRick Devensthan when he got to just walk up, take a seat, and enjoy the show. And then, it was time for the after-show!
The after-show consisted of Coach addressing the masses and proclaiming, “If anybody out here wants to run around and tell lies and play that kind of way inSurvivor 50, they ain’t winning the game. That’s a fact! Vote me out tonight, there will be hell to pay.”
Check out the Dragon Slayer threatening to poison the jury against anyone who takes him out of the game! It should be noted at this time that while I think poisoning the jury because you are suffering from an acute case of BJS (Bitter Jury Syndrome) is super lame, I have no issue whatsoever withthreateningto do that within the game if you think if will help you in some manner, because that lever is a tool at your disposal to pull should you choose to do so. I don’t think itdoesactually help and just gets people even madder at you so I would not advise it, but I don’t have any moral outrage over the move. Whether it falls under the “honor and integrity” banner is another question altogether.
For some reason, all this anger then inspired Coach to start composing haiku, using phrases like “Nobody tells the truth like Coach” and “War has been declared.” Not everyone was a fan, including…
The curious case of Emily Flippen
Emily told Rick that Coach’s attitude was pissing her off, but Emily has made her own habit of pissing off her own allies this season. It is straight up comical how many times Emily Flippen has completely undermined people she has been playing alongside by being incapable of keeping any information to herself. They seriously should just start inserting a laugh track underneath any scene where she starts spilling state secrets and then her ally has to go and attempt to clean up the mess she created.
And this time, the damage Emily did may have been the straw that broke Dee’s back in the game. While the honor and integrity gang certainly had their sights set on Dee already, there was also a very powerful trio inCirie,Ozzy, and Rizo in the middle that could have played a pivotal role in potentially swaying the vote. But after Emily informed Rizo that Dee had told him about his idol, that was over. Her season 45 castmate was cooked. And by friendly fire, no less. (WHOOPS!) Emily Flippen continues to be a major person of interest this season.
Shouldering the pain
Anyone who actually watchedSnake in the Grasscould tell you two things. 1) Bobby Bones is noJeff Probst. And 2)Stephenie LaGrossa Kendrickis aterribleliar. The absolute worst. Go ask her. She’ll tell you herself. So the entire Journey this week was worth it just to watch her have to concoct an entire ruse about what happened when the boat took her away.
What really happened was Steph had to essentially hold her arm up in the air for an hour to win a Steal-a-Vote. But if her arm dropped, she lost her vote. But there was someSurvivorhistory at play here, because back on day 1 ofHeroes vs. Villains, Stephenie famously dislocated her shoulder. I was a few feet away when it happened and you can check out the raw footage I shot of the injury below.
Because of that injury, there was no way Steph was going to be able to hold that arm up for an hour, so she now had to do the contest with her left (non-dominant) hand. Not fun! Should I write a haiku about it? No? Fine. Your loss!
Anyway, we got a little Stephenie montage showing her radical transformation from super-fit twentysomething to… well… super-fit fortysomething. And by the time the montage was done, the woman had gone and won the Steal-a-Vote. But what would she tell her tribe?
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Steph’s phony baloney story was that you got to keep your vote if you made it to 30 minutes, and got an advantage if you made it to an hour. While I will say that on its surface that is a decent enough fib that was not on anAubrylevel of unbelievability, but in modernSurvivor,if you come back with your vote and no advantage, nobody is likely to believewhateverstory you put out there. Especially not Cirie, who knows Stephenie too well after doing three different reality competition shows with her.
And the well is where Cirie pressed her on it a bit, and Steph came clean. “I promise you I will not say a word,” Cirie assured her before doing her best Emily Flippen impersonation and immediately going and telling Rizo.
Wow, in between Coach inducting Rizo into the Four Horseman, and Rizo’s polyamorous threesome with Cirie and Ozzy, it is amazing how well the R-I-Z-G-O-D has done in this game, especially seeing ashow wary the entire cast was of himbefore the season began. Cirie was straight-up making fun of the guy, and Coach was insistent on getting rid of the season 49ers, and here they both are wanting to work with the guy. Impressive. Most impressive.
Rock and roll
Look at this! A two-for-one! We get both a team (for reward) and an individual (for immunity) challenge all wrapped up in one. The first obstacle course team portion was navigating a massive boulder through a massive obstacle course. The only thing I didn’t like about it was the fact that the boulders never collided on the crisscross course, which is the whole reason you put a crisscross course in there in the first place, but it was still an exciting back-and-forth affair with another puzzle showdown betweenChristian(with Emily) andChrissy(with Coach).
Actuary Hofbeck dominated Professor Hubicki the last time they squared off. This one appeared to be… a draw. Yes, Christain’s teal team very narrowly scored the Chinese take-out victory, but they also started their puzzle first, so no true bragging rights on this one.
But it meant Christian, Ozzy, Rick, Emily, Dee, Stephenie, andJoewould all compete for individual immunity in theSurvivorboom mic challenge. I kinda felt bad for Steph having to hold her arms upyet again, but my joy at watching reality TV contestants suffering for our entertainment overrides that type of legitimate concern any and every day of the week.
It eventually came down to Ozzy versus Joe, with the grizzled veteran taking down Club Condo for his eighth individual immunity win over his entireSurvivorcareer — one less than record holderBoston Rob. Now he, Rizo, and Cirie can all get kinky with the necklace.
Coach loses it
With Dee not winning immunity, her fate seemed pretty sealed, but damn if Coach didn’t do the best he could to shift the target… to himself. First, he was annoyed that everyone wanted to put their split votes on Dee instead of Tiff so they didn’t have to piss off someone still in the game. And then, he blew a gasket once word got back to Christian about the split vote. His most unhinged moment came when he started trashing Christian to Rick — the guy universally recognized as Christian’s biggest ally.
It got so bad that Rizo had to go calm Coach down, while telling us after the fact that it was “embarrassing” that a guy who had never even been on the island three months ago had to teach Coach how to playSurvivor. “We slay dragons at Trbal,” he told the legend. “We don’t slay dragons at camp.”
Meanwhile, Rick and Emily were done taking marching orders from the Tide Walker, even theorizing about turning the vote against him. But it didn’t feel like it had any real momentum behind it.
Dee’s wild scrambling at Tribal confirmed that she was in major trouble. Meanwhile, Coach was liberally paraphrasing from Ursula K. Le Guin'sA Wizard of Earthsea…as one does:“Only in silence, the word. Only in darkness, the light. Only in dishonesty, truth.”
Apparently, that is less egregious than comparingSurvivorto a fire house, because lord did that take on a life of its own. And then you also had Jonathan giving us the true full-circle episode moment of once again calling out Dee for lying in the game. That is something — and this is news to me after covering this show for 26 years — you are apparently not allowed to do onSurvivor. SHAME ON YOU, DEE VALLADARES! You were even a cohost on the now mysteriously absentOn Firepodcast! You should know there is no crying in baseball and there is no lying inSurvivor.
This was easily the most entertaining Trbal of the season, and that was even before we got to Tiffany telling off Coach while voting with: “You’re a self-righteous hypocrite and I hope I get to write your name every single day until you go home.”
And then there was the whole wacky Aubry situation. Wanting to save her Boomerang idol for a rainy day, she chose not to play it at the previous Tribal, and then explained — and I swear to theSurvivorgods I am not making this up — that she simplyforgotto play it. A four-timeSurvivorplayer forgot to play an idol? That’s more hilarious thanGenevieve’s reaction toJeff Probst’s rapping.
The interesting thing aboutSurvivor 50is you have these returning all-stars and they are making big mistakes, just like newbies would. The difference, however, is they recognize them as unforced errors. We’ve seen players like Aubry, Dee, Coach, and Emily all insert feet in mouth (don’t getQstarted on feet!) but immediately realize their mistakes.G.I. Joealways taught me that knowing is half the battle, so I guess that’s a step in the right direction. As far as the other half of the battle, I believe that can be found in a haiku somewhere.
Dee-lightful
It was indeed Dee’s time to go in the biggest (in terms of number of players) Tribal Council ever, and it was in Dee-cisive fashion. While technically the votes were split to protect against an idol, it was essentially a unanimous vote (except for Dee ally Tiffany). This is the exact sort of big group post-merge vote-dumping situation Iwrote about last weekin explaining why the show likes to break the players up into smaller groups where more unpredictable votes can shake things up.
So after Dee’s Shot in the Dark scroll read Not Safe, that was pretty much the end of it. Dee was definitely mentioned by the cast as one of the biggest threats before the game, so being the last winner around and making it all the way to the jury has to feel like a win. (A win without a $1 million check attached, however.)
Dee will be the first to say (as she did in this episode) that she played far from a perfect game. Her decision to make so many enemies by taking out Charlie was probably not prudent at that time, but I knew fromtalking to her out therethat she was determined to play a fast, aggressive game, and that’s exactly what she did once she finally got a chance to go to Tribal Council. That’s what I want to see from mySurvivorplayers, and that’s what I saw from Dee this season.
What kind of Dee will we see during my exit interview with the season 45 champ? You’ll have to tune in to see. Also make sure to vote in ourextremely important pollregarding Probst's best baseball hat color, and see what hue theSurvivor 50the cast chose. While you’re off doing that, I’ll start getting to work on next week’s scoop of the crispy, and I promise that one will be haiku-free.
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Coach is looking sadSitting there in his hammockThe Tide Walker stews What up, y’all? I'm not sure if you know this about me,...
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